Steve McIntyre: Hello, I wish to register a complaint . . . Hello? Miss?

Mann: What do you mean, miss?

 

Steve McIntyre: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.

 

Mann: Sorry, we're closing for lunch.

 

Steve McIntyre: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this Hockeystick what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

 

Mann: Oh yes, the Bristlecone Series. What's wrong with it?

 

Steve McIntyre: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.

 

Mann: No, no it's resting, look!

 

Steve McIntyre: Look my lad, I know a dead Hockeystick when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

 

Mann: No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.

 

Steve McIntyre: Resting?

 

Mann: Yeah, remarkable bird the Bristlecone Series, beautiful plumage, innit?

 

Steve McIntyre: The plumage don't enter into it -- it's stone dead.

 

Mann: No, no -- it's just resting.

 

Steve McIntyre: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts into cage) Hello Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly Hockeystick!

 

Mann: (jogging cage) There it moved.

 

Steve McIntyre: No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage.

 

Mann: I did not.

 

Steve McIntyre: Yes, you did. (takes Hockeystick out of cage, shouts) Hello Polly, Polly (bangs it against counter) Polly Hockeystick, wake up. Polly. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead Hockeystick.

 

Mann: No, no it's stunned.

 

Steve McIntyre: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That Hockeystick is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.

 

Mann: It's probably pining for the fjords.

 

Steve McIntyre: Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?

 

Mann: The Bristlecone Series prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful bird, lovely plumage.

 

Steve McIntyre: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Hockeystick, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.

 

Mann: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and voom.

 

Steve McIntyre: Look matey (picks up Hockeystick) this Hockeystick wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised.

 

Mann: It's not, it's pining.

 

Steve McIntyre: It's not pining, it's passed on. This Hockeystick is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late Hockeystick. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-Hockeystick.

 

Mann: Well, I'd better replace it then.

 

Steve McIntyre: (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.

 

Mann: Sorry guv, we're right out of Hockeysticks.

 

Steve McIntyre: I see. I see. I get the picture.

 

Mann: I've got a slug.

 

Steve McIntyre: Does it talk?

 

Mann: Not really, no.

 

Steve McIntyre: Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?

 

Mann: Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your Hockeystick for you.

 

Steve McIntyre: Bolton eh?

 

Mann: Yeah.

 

Steve McIntyre: All right. He leaves, holding the Hockeystick.

 

CAPTION: A SIMILAR PET SHOP IN BOLTON, LANCS

 

Close-up of sign on door reading: 'Similar Pet Shops Ltd'. Pull back from sign to see same pet shop. Mann now has moustache. Steve McIntyre walks into shop. He looks around with interest, noticing the empty Hockeystick cage still on the floor.

 

Steve McIntyre: Er, excuse me. This is Bolton, is it?

 

Mann: No, no it's, er, Ipswich.

 

Steve McIntyre: (to camera) That's Inter-City Rail for you. (leaves)

 

Man in porter's outfit standing at complaints desk for railways. Steve McIntyre approaches.

 

Steve McIntyre: I wish to make a complaint.

 

Porter: I don't have to do this, you know.

 

Steve McIntyre: I beg your pardon?

 

Porter: I'm a qualified Statistician. I only do this because I like being my own boss.

 

Steve McIntyre: Er, excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

 

Porter: Oh yeah, it's not easy to pad these out to thirty minutes.

 

Steve McIntyre: Well I wish to make a complaint. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswich.

 

Porter: No, this is Bolton.

 

Steve McIntyre: (to camera) The pet shop owner's brother was lying.

 

Porter: Well you can't blame British Rail for that.

 

Steve McIntyre: If this is Bolton, I shall return to the pet shop.

 

CAPTION: 'A LITTLE LATER LTD.'

 

Steve McIntyre walks into the shop again.

 

Steve McIntyre: I understand that this is Bolton.

 

Mann: Yes.

 

Steve McIntyre: Well, you told me it was Ipswich.

 

Mann: It was a pun.

 

Steve McIntyre: A pun?

 

Mann: No, no, not a pun, no. What's the other thing which reads the same backwards as forwards?

 

Steve McIntyre: A palindrome?

 

Mann: Yes, yes.

 

Steve McIntyre: It's not a palindrome. The palindrome of Bolton would be Notlob. It don't work.

 

Mann: Look, what do you want?

 

Steve McIntyre: No I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue my line of enquiry any further as I think this is getting too silly.

 

Colonel: (coming in) Quite agree. Quite agree. Silly. Silly . . . silly. Right get on with it. Get on with it.